Diagrams and Demonstrations
by clonedmemories
Summary: Rachel decides that Kurt and Blaine should get to grips with the workings of gay sex. And who better to teach them than her? After all, she does have two gay dads, so knows a lot on the subject! Awkwardness ensues.


**Diagrams and Demonstrations**

**Pairing: Kurt/Blaine, plus Rachel**

**Rating: PG-13/R, T**

**Warnings: Sexual-themed discussion, mild sexual acts, major awkwardness  
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_Written because I needed something cheerful after Everything's Made To Be Broken!_

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><p>"Can I get either of you a drink?" Rachel smiles sweetly, picture of the perfect hostess as she leads Blaine and Kurt over to her bed and gesturing for them to sit down. "We've got fruit juice, soda, it's probably a little too early for alcohol just yet - ,"<p>

"I'll just have some water, thanks, Rachel," Blaine tells her, Kurt nodding in agreement beside him and gripping his hand.

"Of course," Rachel replies, a little surprised, possibly disappointed. She turns and exits the room without another word, leaving an awkward silence in her wake.

Blaine turns to Kurt, who looks up as a single fingertip traces his lips lightly.

"Shh," Blaine whispers, then presses a soft, chaste kiss to Kurt's lips, which he reciprocates. It starts to get deeper quickly, Blaine flickering his tongue across Kurt's bottom lip as he falls on top of him until they're lying flat on Rachel Berry's bed. Kurt moans suddenly, then breaks off.

"Hey, hey, what?"

"Rachel! She could walk in on us at any moment!"

"We'll hear her coming back up."

"But - ,"

Kurt's words are silenced by the gentle crush of Blaine's lips on his own, both smiling into each other before pushing further, Blaine's hand trailing down Kurt's side, across his stomach, feeling, exploring through the fabric and moving further down, across the waistband of Kurt's jeans. Kurt gasps a little as Blaine starts to thumb through the denim with short, quick strokes, the gentle, teasing pressure of his fingertips just enough to get him hard. His hips arch upwards, but are restrained by Blaine's own body, held above him with fingers tangled amongst his hair. Blaine laughs a little as Kurt's leg rises, bending at the knee, and just because, runs his hand up the inside of Kurt's thigh with Kurt straining at the loss of contact –

Silence.

Both boys look up to see Rachel, standing in the doorway, two glasses clutched in her hands and the third having obviously spilt down her top from shock. Blaine scrambles off Kurt quickly, who sits up, all three staring.

"Rachel - ," Kurt begins, but his voice falters and dies away.

She places both glasses down on the dresser, picks up the third, now empty glass, and places it beside them.

"Blaine, Kurt, how far have you gone?"

Both glance incredulously at each other, then at her.

"What do you mean, Rach?" Blaine asks, even though he knows perfect well what she's on about.

"Sexually. What's the most you two have done?"

"Rachel, I don't mean to be rude, but this is our private life and we'd rather not disclose all the details to anyone else."

"Have you two had sex?" Rachel blurts out, wanting to push this conversation forward and no longer caring about the awkwardness of the whole situation.

"What – no! No, we haven't, Rachel, now please –,"

"What about oral? Handjobs?"

"No, Rachel, we haven't done anything like that yet." Blaine tries to remain calm in the hopes that Rachel's ever-mounting excitement will also recede.

"Well, as you know, I have two gay dads so I know _a lot _about the male bedroom practises." Both Blaine and Kurt try to protest again, but she's now absorbed in her stream of thought, an oddly innocent smile distorting her features. "First, I know you're each other's firsts, but you're still going to need to make sure you wear condoms to protect against transmission of STDs, and you need to use a water-based lubricant whatever you do, okay?"

"Rachel," Kurt stutters, his face starting to bloom red, "hate to disappoint you, but I know all this, and so does Blaine, right Blaine?"

"Yeah, as much as I appreciate this, Rach, I do know enough - ,"

"Well, why don't I test you, then? Okay, let's start with you, Kurt, because you'll bottom - ,"

"Rachel! How do you know what position Blaine and I will do?"

"I can just tell! Okay, first question, Kurt: name a brand of lubricant that you can use."

"Rachel, I don't want to - ,"

"Come on, Kurt! If you're going to be engaging in sexual contact you need you know what you're doing!"

Kurt sighs in exasperation. "I don't know. Vaseline?"

"No, no, no! Vaseline is _oil-based. _I just said you need to use something water-based, or the condom will split. Something like KY, or Aqualube."

"How am I supposed to know what base Vaseline has, Rachel!"

"Blaine, you're obviously going to be top, so talk through the process you'd need to go through to ensure Kurt is ready for you."

"I don't know, Rachel." Blaine knows exactly what he needs to do; what he doesn't know is why he's discussing this – being quizzed on this, even – by Rachel Berry.

"Blaine, if you don't know what to do, you're going to hurt Kurt! You don't want him to tear or anything, do you?" Kurt has his head buried in his knees, trying to stifle his laughter at the sheer ludicrousy of the scene. "Both of you wait here. I'll be two minutes."

Rachel rises from the bed, a light exhale of dust coming from the duvet as the pressure is lifted and she runs from the room. Kurt continues to laugh into the denim, while Blaine doesn't break his gaze from the mattress, sitting, mortified.

"Here we go!" Rachel proclaims brightly as she skips back into the bedroom, an assortment of items clutched in her arms which she lets fall onto the bed.

_Oh God , she hasn't – _

"Now, Kurt, you need to pay attention too, because you're going to be the one Blaine's doing this with and you'll need to know what to expect. First, you've got to have foreplay to make sure you're both relaxed, so lots of kissing – even though you both obviously know how to do that – lots of touching. There are other things you can do as well, such as handjobs or oral sex, including both blowjobs and rimjobs, although for the latter I would say that you'd probably need to try using enemas and I wouldn't say you did that until you were much older."

Blaine's head hits his palm.

"Blaine, you need to know these things! Look up and listen! Good. Now, after foreplay, you're going to need to prep, and for that, you should start off by using your fingers. You need to make sure you coat them with plenty of lubricant before you start to use them, and when you do, you need to press them into Kurt one at a time and make sure he's stretched out properly."

There's a faint humming coming from the other side of the bed. Kurt's singing to himself to block out Rachel's voice.

"Rachel, I think you're making Kurt a little uncomfortable." Blaine reaches over and places a hand on Kurt's shoulder, who looks up and smiles at him, laughing a little.

"Are you okay, Kurt?"

"Yeah, just, don't make it so graphic about me and Blaine? If you so insist on explaining this, don't do it about us."

"Sure, okay." Rachel looks a little affronted, but then continues. "Where was I? So, you use your fingers, and there are other things you can use after that. I've got some here, as you can see." She gestures to the collection of brightly coloured plastic shapes that lie in a pile between them. Kurt bursts out laughing again.

"Rach," Blaine begins, slightly tentative, "are these your dads'?"

"Yes! I went and got them from their drawers. You can pick them up and have a go if you like."

"But Rachel, if they belong to your dads, then your dads must have used them, mustn't they?"

And Kurt congratulates himself on imagining Rachel Berry's parents having intercourse, a vivid mental image plastered to the back of his eyelids that would surely haunt his dreams unless Rachel decides she's going to demonstrate using them or something.

"So, as you can see, there's a range of dildos and plugs and other toys you can use during intercourse. Remember to only penetrate when both of you feel ready – again, you need lots of lubricant, that is, Kurt - ?"

"Water-based," he mumbles.

"Correct – and only once Kurt – I mean, your partner – is stretched out properly can you enter, because otherwise you could tear really badly. Now, if you just look here," Rachel picks up a notebook from amongst the pile of her parents' sex toys, flicks through it and finds a page that displays a very bright, very _clear _diagram. A diagram which, on closer inspection, appears to have been drawn by Rachel's own hand. With labels.

She hands the notebook to Kurt, who takes one look at it before passing it back to her.

"Please tell me you didn't draw that, Rachel."

"There's a flowchart as well, explaining the processes. I'll tear it out and you and Blaine can keep it!"

She flicks the page over, detaches the paper from the binder and hands it to Blaine, ho folds it carefully and pockets it.

"Now, do the two of you know what you need to do now?"

"Yeah, sure."

"You don't sound so sure, Blaine. I tell you what, why don't I give you a demonstration? Kurt – would you mind assisting me?"

Kurt's eyes widen in shock, and he draws away from Rachel as if she's a snake about to bite. Blaine looks equally horrified.

"Okay, tell you what, I'll show you myself."

And then, before either of them can stop her, Rachel's slipped her hand beneath her skirt and is starting to pull her underwear out from beneath, raising her legs and grabbing the bottle of lubricant she's brought from her parents' room.

"Hello? Yes, yes, right away. Okay, see you in a few. Bye!"

"Who was that?"

Rachel's stopped mid movement, her legs held above the bed, the bottle uncapped, just teetering over the edge of exposing herself completely.

"My dad, we've got to get back. Thanks Rach!"

She can't help but look a little disappointed, but controls herself. Both boys clamber off the bed, say their goodbyes, and show themselves out, not wanting Rachel to rush whatever she intends to do next, because, as Kurt comments when they're driving away, she may well just go ahead and _practice _anyway.

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><p>When they arrive back at Kurt's house, they enter to find it deserted.<p>

"You didn't really get a phone call, did you?" Blaine gives Kurt a sly smile. "Thank you for getting us out of there. If she'd actually started demonstrating, I have no idea what I would have done. She'd have forced us both to watch!"

"Well, I'll just say that I'm going to be the one who tops here."

"Oh, sure about that, are we?" Blaine gives Kurt a little wink.

"Why don't we try this out for ourselves, now we're so obviously educated in the matter and no one's going to be home for hours?"

Kurt doesn't wait for Blaine's reply, but turns and runs to the stairs and to his bedroom, knowing Blaine will follow like a Spaniel.

When Blaine enters, greeted by the familiar off-white of the walls and the initially-dizzying scent of blackberry and orange blossom room spray, he hardly has time to react until Kurt's kicked the door shut and thrown him with surprising force down onto his own bed, before falling on top and kissing him, straddling Blaine's hips and pressing down, desperate for contact.

But then Blaine's trying to push Kurt over, desperate for control, and succeeds, proceeding to deepen the kiss, to slow it down, every touch sweeter and more tender as his hand begins to rediscover the features of Kurt's body, the etchings and echoes and marks and hills and valleys and contours.

"I think, Kurt, you're wearing a few too many clothes," Blaine whispers, breath ghosting past Kurt's ear. Kurt tries to sit up to remove some, but Blaine just pushes him back down gently. "Let me."

He takes the edge of Kurt's shirt in his fist and slowly peels it away from the skin, just starting to glisten with sweat. Kurt lifts his arms and allows Blaine to pull it off, before proceeding to undo his own jeans and slide them away, kicking them off through Blaine's legs.

It's then that Kurt forces Blaine to roll over again onto his back, needing the power back.

He presses a finger to Blaine's lips as he attempts to protest.

"No, no, Blaine, my turn now. It's only fair."

Kurt removes Blaine's shirt deftly, discarding it, but decides to tease a little more, seeing the strain in Blaine's jeans and, because he's feeling slightly sadistic, wanting to make him wait.

"Kurt, please." Blaine's voice cracks as he speaks, but Kurt ignores him, continuing to caress the skin of his torso, to brush his thumb delicately over Blaine's nipples, causing him to curl upwards into Kurt and sigh as Kurt kisses his jaw line, his neck, to bite down softly just below his ear as his fingers touch the skin pulled taut across the angles of Blaine's hipbones. He runs a hand up Blaine's thigh, feeling the softness of skin, the stretch of fabric, the crease and crumple of paper –

"Blaine, don't tell me - ," Kurt reaches into Blaine's pocket and pulls out a piece of paper, unfolding it. "Oh, Blaine, you don't mean to tell me you kept this did you?"

It's Rachel's hand-drawn flowchart.

Both sit up, Blaine sliding his legs out from between Kurt's.

Somehow the passion from the moment has drained away, and both let out a laugh at the ridiculousness of everything because, hey, it's hilarious when you stop and think about it. They might both just be staying virgins for a little while longer.


End file.
